Yes, I know, I know. Flattening the curve is important, we all have to make sacrifices. But being stuck at home alone with the fridge all day is sacrificing my poor figure! But at least we’re all in this together. I’m happy the people at El Arroyo feel me.

I personally am a big fan of having hand sanitizer everywhere I go, but my hands have not yet adapted. They’re dry all the time – what about yours? But at least there’s this upside El Arroyo has figured out, free toilet cleaner!

Who doesn’t love a good pun? Cinco de Mayo is usually a day to get a little wild, and have one too many margaritas while gorging on tacos. But this year, COVID kept us at home making DIY tacos and margaritas. And let’s be honest… it just wasn’t the same.

Heck, I think they’d even be willing to take their generosity a step further and give you free tacos if you could prove your name was Arc Angel (or however X AE A-12 is pronounced).

You know what… now that they mention it… when was the last time everything felt alright? Was it before May 2019? Can you even remember what life was like that before then? Me neither.

We have literally all been certain something is lost forever when somehow, our mother manages to find it in a situation where she couldn’t have known where to look. But a mother always knows.

I’d way rather be helped than someone with an education in health and medicine, than someone in a spider web suit.

When they put something so wonderful (and expensive) on TV for free, of course we’re going to be listening to it on repeat! There’s no shame in knowing all the words to Hamilton. Maybe when the kids go back to school you can offer to direct this year’s production.

I don’t know who needs to see this, but please pass this on to every grocery store floor plan designer. This is the way of the future. No more standing awkwardly or trying to whip around through another aisle to get to the shelf you need.

Didn’t anyone tell them? Days of the week are cancelled. We don’t do those anymore.

Queso does not need moderation. There is no such thing when it comes to that sweet sweet cheesy concoction. Do we know what’s in queso? What the science behind it being permanently liquid is? Absolutely not. But some things are better left unknown.

It’s 2020 and we don’t have time for small talk. You need a partner who has the same interests as you… or at least worries about all the same stuff.

Being able to hide squirrel level stress under cucumber-like demeanor is deserving of an award.

We can all agree this pandemic sucks. But that’s not to say we can’t learn a thing or two from these newly implemented social rules. For example, keeping six feet of distance from our haters is here to stay.

Are any scientists currently working on this? Because I would pay a lot of money for a phone that allowed a puppy’s thoughts to be translated to English.

We can all pretend to be *that bitch* but unfortunately, we can’t all be Lizzo. This wee adaptation is much more suited to how most of us are feeling these days. Am I right?

Is this what dating is looking like in 2020? Matching up different illnesses? I guess as long as we’re all still drinking tequila, things can’t be that bad.

Realistically you should still be avoiding negative people. Both in the “six feet of distance”, and the “not chill to be around” sense of the term.

The new, more modern “u up?” text. Would you stay home or go over?

“I do this for the money.” – said no teacher ever.

If he’s busy you can also send David Attenborough, Bill Nighy, Ron Howard, or Idris Elba. I’m not picky.

Can I get an “amen”? Nurses are the backbone of society right now. Hopefully this put a smile on some of their faces as they went past.

Oh don’t worry, they’ll be back in a later season. There’s just so much going on right now they didn’t have time to cover them in the plot. But if the rest of the year is anything like what we’ve already seen… I feel confident those murder hornets will be coming back with a vengeance.

Tea? Mild, pleasant, palatable.
Tequila? Wild, dangerous, always guarantees a good time.

Be, and surround yourself with people who are more like tequila.

For anyone who’s been accused of looking angry or mean when they were just minding their own business – now is your time. The mystery behind the mask does wonders. No creepy strangers can tell you to smile now. No one will assume you hate them. It’s definitely a silver lining!

Since we can’t possibly predict how this school year is going to go… it’s best to stock up on both. Just to be safe.

I don’t want to sound like a buzzkill, but if we’re being realistic we’ll probably have to add Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Halloween, and maybe even Christmas to the list. We basically have to have one giant party, and then forget that 2020 ever happened.

Surely all the streaming services know that we all sit here watching episode after episode without a break. We definitely don’t need to be reminded of what we watched 30 seconds ago. And the passive aggressive “are you still watching?” pop up message? Rude. You know darn well I am!

There are statistics for these things. Netflix even called that one guy out a couple years ago after he watched Bee Movie 357 in one year.

Say it again, louder for those in the back. Being kind costs you nothing, and is easy to do. Remember that.

Hmmm it’s true. Couples have been awfully silent lately. It’s almost as if being stuck inside with the same person for days, weeks, months at a time is not as easy as we would have all hoped.

Who doesn’t love a little word play? And when it’s giving you the green light to have a margarita… you should always do as the sign says.

We should all have to go in for a post-COVID driving license because it seems we’ve all lost our damn minds. When the car in front of you isn’t indicating, you can probably conclude they haven’t been anywhere in a while.

If women had a quarter for every time they heard those words, they’d probably be closing the gap towards equal pay.

I hope the staff at El Arroyo in charge of putting these signs together gets a raise. They’re so clever!

They only become fully functional once they’ve grown up and moved out. Or, when you’re talking about doing something they’re interested in. Otherwise? Completely just for show.

Especially not after coming out of the COVID “cage”. None of us are doing just fine. Why would The Killers lie to us like this?

Unless you’ve pulled a Taylor Swift in her Apple Music commercial, I don’t need to see any photos or videos of you at the gym on Instagram. The gym is not fun – and that’s a fact.

Thank you all so much for the opportunity, but I’ve decided adulthood isn’t for me.

I imagine the limbo stick being somewhere really cool and covert that would require the thief to do some cool limbo moves just to access it.

Especially these days! I just want to go do my grocery shopping and get some fresh air but apparently everyone’s had the same idea so here we are… trying to awkwardly squeeze past each other while simultaneously social distancing. Everyone else should stay home… I should be allowed to roam free. Don’t you agree?

I would not recommend watching seasons 1-7, so just skip ahead. 8 seems okay so far. Really not sure if I can handle 9-12.

Wait. I thought we were all just out here winging it. Is it that just me?

Thanks for trying but I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, the numbers are still going up. If you feel like you must go out for a meal… make sure you’re tipping your servers extra well!

As if we’re all just going to hop on Elon’s rocket ship to Mars and be blessed with margarita ingredients on arrival. We must protect this tequila, lime, and salt-producing planet at all costs.

For the intellectuals out there:

All y’all is used in the Southern United States when a speaker wishes to include everyone being addressed. Y’all may refer to an indefinite set of members of a group, but all y’all definitively includes everyone in the group.

If you think about it, masks are kind of like Instagram filters for the face. No need for makeup from the bridge of the nose down – pretty ideal.

Phew – dodged that bullet, didn’t ya? Makes regular old quarantine seem pretty luxurious by comparison.

No one tells you what to do! Not even the sign outside El Arroyo.

Teacher: you’re doing great, sweetie
Parent: omg are you sure? I’ll just keep winging it then thank you so much. *drinks another glass of wine.*

We can all agree that things seem pretty grim right now. But it’s important remember that it’s not all bad! Repeat this mantra when you’re feeling low. “Good things happen. Love is real. We will be okay.”